Home > Humor, Musings > Cool, a package! Oh noez! It’s from Attrition!

Cool, a package! Oh noez! It’s from Attrition!

November 25th, 2013

AttritionThis is a long overdue post, and has nothing to do with security, and everything to do with slow, simmering dementia and madness among us. I received a package from a certain “Brian Martin” a few months back. My schedule got a bit hectic, the package was set to the side, and I have finally gotten back in the US and cleaned up my office. What I found in this package, my friends, was nothing short of disturbing. I’ll list the contents, with my general impression of what they may mean.

  1. Numerous information security-related stickers: This is really the most “normal” thing in the shipment.
  2. An Attrition business card/thing and a wristband. Again, cool. No worries here.
  3. A Leonard Cohen CD. Now, undeniably, there’s something cool about Cohen. In fact, a lot cool. But…who would PART with such a thing? This is just the beginning of the insanity.
  4. Two wine cork/tops (one cork, one screw-off). Why was this still hanging around? Why were they saved to send on to me? Hmmm.
  5. Several small foam balls. Likely ripped mercilessly from the faces of stuffed clowns, which is creepy. Heading deeper into CrazyLand, for sure.
  6. Numerous keys from computers or other electronic equipment. Very likely ripped apart in a frenzied Mescaline-induced rage.
  7. Several small rubber discs. From what, I have no idea. Cryptic.
  8. Two plastic dinosaurs. Despite my intrinsic pleasure at receiving two small plastic dinosaurs, again I ask…who would PART with these?
  9. One shiny stone. Shiny.
  10. A discarded bank keychain. Junk.
  11. Most horrifying of all…a staggering stack of periodical renewal pullouts that span an awe-inspiring range of topics – science, history, geography, psychology, women’s anatomy, general nerdiness, and more. And going back to at least 2005. Where were these ACQUIRED? And why were they KEPT, in a long-term fiendish plot to send them on to an unsuspecting victim? This represents a deeply depraved character, without any doubt.

If you’ve read this far, you likely know that this is satire. I personally found this mixed bag o’ shit to be hilarious, and knowing that I have crazy-ass friends like Brian is oddly comforting. Isn’t that half the reason we’re in this business? To share in the crazy?

Cheers, folks, and happy Thanksgiving to all in the US.

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